I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
