Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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