I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
organizing the empties. That sober.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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