You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
