Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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