Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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