he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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