They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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