I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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