ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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