You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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