You smell like a Billy Joel song
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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