thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.