Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.