garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
