I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
