last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
