Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
