Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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