Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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