I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
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Best friends brother. Beat that.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
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So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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