My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
