When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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