Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
