Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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