dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
