He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
