Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
