Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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