Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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