I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
