Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
