one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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