Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It's blow job season.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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