after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
