ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
