vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
