I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
