So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
