im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
