I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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