Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize