next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
