she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
