Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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