I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You were trust falling into bushes
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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