Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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