Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
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You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
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Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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