"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
