i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
