i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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