i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
