I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
