Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
