I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
