Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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