I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
