If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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