So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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