I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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